Men are from Mars and women are from Venus; one book put it that way.
Yet
it seems that two people cohabiting together as a married couple will
need more from each other than the acceptance that they are completely
different. Too often we get stuck in stereotyping men and women. We can
no sooner categorise either before we run into the roadblock of
ignorance.
Women may wish to be loved and men may wish to be
respected, but don't these two outcomes of God's grace through us run
together?
Surely the woman wants to be respected as much as she is
loved, and the man needs to be loved as much as he is respected.
I
wonder if it is even discernible whether men need to be respected more
than loved, or women need to be loved more than respected. I think it is
a moot point.
Sometimes we try to make too much of the biblical mandate.
There
is much that can be made of Ephesians 5:21-33, and Paul does write in
terms of husbands loving their wives and wives respecting their
husbands. And maybe it can be said that when a husband loves his wife he
respects her and when a wife respects her husband she loves him.
Rather than stop at one, we could go into both virtue and make the most of both of them for our partners.
GROWING BOTH LOVE AND RESPECT
When
we imagine ourselves as able to love unconditionally and have such
respect we reveal the true virtue of humility - where pride is nullified
and we don't respond in a hurt way by things that might otherwise hurt
us - we offer a lot of safety and dependability to our partners.
Maturity begets grace as grace begets maturity. This surely applies to
both men and women.
Surely it is also God's will that we work on
both love and respect, treating those of the opposite gender more as
partners in humanity, rather than Mars or Venus foes that cannot be
understood.
As men and women we have more in common than what we
think. We can still appreciate our differences as we celebrate our
similarities. It's best we all invest in both love and respect.
The routine withholding of love and respect in marital relationships can
spell the death knell of a union. Conversely, when both partners
resolve to love and respect each other because they want the best for
their partner, marriages can soar to previously unknown heights of
mutual satisfaction.
Will Your Relationship Last? 7 Must Read Questions
The way to know if your romance
will last is to observe your partner's past and present behavior,
especially in group settings, and to learn the proven skills to make
marriage work. Because I see so much of the damage caused by people
blindly connecting, rushing through the stages of commitment, and not
creating the solid basis a true relationship needs, I always welcome the
chance to do pre-commitment counseling.
My job is to ask the tough questions that, in the excitement of a new romance, the couple may not have considered. Here are several questions every couple should consider before moving in together or making joint financial commitments:
1. What is your definition of commitment?
Whether you know it or not, you and your partner will define your relationship. If you don't know what your relationship means to both the of you, you risk repeating past mistakes, getting stuck in uncomfortable roles, or fighting about what a healthy relationship is. Talk about what you mean by words such as relationship, commitment, love, and faithfulness. You'll be amazed by what you learn.
2. Have you discussed finances?
Next to sex, money is the biggest generator of problems, arguments, and resentment in long-term relationships. Couples tend to assume that money should be pooled, but it usually isn't that easy. A disparity in income can mean struggling about who pays for what, or whose income determines your lifestyle. Different financial habits (one likes to save, the other spends more, or doesn't keep track) can become a source of argument. For many couples, separating your money makes things run smoother; you don't wind up struggling for control. You can split expenses evenly, or work out a percentage share if your incomes are different.
3. What about household responsibilities?
If you're not yet living together, take a tour of each other's homes. Drastically different decorating styles, neatness, and organization levels can become sources of argument, and so can housekeeping and chores. If you have different tastes, it may require a lot of creativity and negotiation to decorate a joint home in a way that makes both of you comfortable.Additionally, think hard before moving into your partner's established home. You may have trouble feeling as if you "belong" in a home that was previously established by your partner, unless you participate together in reorganizing and redecorating it.
4. How close are you to family or friends?
If one of you has a lot of family or friends, and the other does not, find out what those relationships mean. Where will you spend holidays? If there are family members who have problems, such as addiction or mental illness, how much will that impact your relationship?
5. How do you handle anger and other emotions?
We all get upset from time to time. If you are usually good at diffusing each other's anger, and being supportive through times of grief or pain, your emotional bond will deepen as time goes on. If your tendency is to react to each other and make the situation more volatile and destructive, you need to correct that problem before you live together.
6. How do you show love to each other?
Sharing what actions and words mean love to you may be surprising. Even if it's a struggle, discussing how you give and receive love will improve your relationship. You will understand what makes each of you feel loved, and how to express your love effectively.
7. How well did you discuss these very questions?
Asking yourselves these questions are excellent tests of your ability to define and work out problems. Constructive discussion that leads to a mutually satisfactory solution means you know how to solve problems in your relationship. If not, get counseling before going further.
My job is to ask the tough questions that, in the excitement of a new romance, the couple may not have considered. Here are several questions every couple should consider before moving in together or making joint financial commitments:
1. What is your definition of commitment?
Whether you know it or not, you and your partner will define your relationship. If you don't know what your relationship means to both the of you, you risk repeating past mistakes, getting stuck in uncomfortable roles, or fighting about what a healthy relationship is. Talk about what you mean by words such as relationship, commitment, love, and faithfulness. You'll be amazed by what you learn.
2. Have you discussed finances?
Next to sex, money is the biggest generator of problems, arguments, and resentment in long-term relationships. Couples tend to assume that money should be pooled, but it usually isn't that easy. A disparity in income can mean struggling about who pays for what, or whose income determines your lifestyle. Different financial habits (one likes to save, the other spends more, or doesn't keep track) can become a source of argument. For many couples, separating your money makes things run smoother; you don't wind up struggling for control. You can split expenses evenly, or work out a percentage share if your incomes are different.
3. What about household responsibilities?
If you're not yet living together, take a tour of each other's homes. Drastically different decorating styles, neatness, and organization levels can become sources of argument, and so can housekeeping and chores. If you have different tastes, it may require a lot of creativity and negotiation to decorate a joint home in a way that makes both of you comfortable.Additionally, think hard before moving into your partner's established home. You may have trouble feeling as if you "belong" in a home that was previously established by your partner, unless you participate together in reorganizing and redecorating it.
4. How close are you to family or friends?
If one of you has a lot of family or friends, and the other does not, find out what those relationships mean. Where will you spend holidays? If there are family members who have problems, such as addiction or mental illness, how much will that impact your relationship?
5. How do you handle anger and other emotions?
We all get upset from time to time. If you are usually good at diffusing each other's anger, and being supportive through times of grief or pain, your emotional bond will deepen as time goes on. If your tendency is to react to each other and make the situation more volatile and destructive, you need to correct that problem before you live together.
6. How do you show love to each other?
Sharing what actions and words mean love to you may be surprising. Even if it's a struggle, discussing how you give and receive love will improve your relationship. You will understand what makes each of you feel loved, and how to express your love effectively.
7. How well did you discuss these very questions?
Asking yourselves these questions are excellent tests of your ability to define and work out problems. Constructive discussion that leads to a mutually satisfactory solution means you know how to solve problems in your relationship. If not, get counseling before going further.
Relationships: Where Do Women's Expectations Of Men Come From?
When it comes to what a man is going to be like or what a woman is
going to be like, we all have a set of expectations. And although these
can be consciously known, they are very often out of one's conscious
awareness. So while a woman may be unaware of what their expectations
are of men, they can find out in another way.
And the way they will typically find out is through the kind of men they attract into their lives and the kind of men they are attracted to. The general experiences that they have with men will reveal what they expect.
Random Occurrences
It would be natural to think that all men are the same or that one has no control over the kind of men that one comes into contact with, but these expectations have incredible power.
If one expects something, it will mean that they will pull it into their lives. Because this is not simply a passive process where one is observing what is showing up. What is showing up is actually the result of what is being asked for; the challenge is that this form of communication is often going on out of one's conscious awareness.
Relationships
And the kind of relationships that a woman has with men is going to be where they receive feedback about what they expect. This can relate to: family, colleagues, managers, friends and lovers for example.
Each of these areas of relationships can have a big impact on a women's life. And although they are all important and play a part in a women's life; the most important area will often relate to the kind of lovers they attract.
Higher Expectations
As this is often a foundation of any women's life and the area where they will be the most emotionally connected to a man and have the highest expectations; the rest will generally not be as important. They will still have an impact of course, but while a woman may consciously expect to be with a man that is respectful and loving for instance, they are likely to expect a lot less when it comes to a colleague, manager or a family member.
And as a result of expecting less, when these other relationships are not as fulfilling, it is not going to be as influential. For if a woman has a relationship with a man that is fulfilling the relationships with men that are not fulfilling are more likely to be dismissed and not taken personally.
But if a woman has not got a solid relationship with a lover or even with her father, brother or male friends, then there is not going to be as much to fall back on when they experience men in general as being unpleasant.
Expectations
Now, for some women their expectations of men will be fairly high and this could then lead to a woman having experiences with men that are fulfilling and rewarding. There will be other women who have fairly average expectations and their relationships may then be somewhat fulfilling and fairly rewarding.
And then there will be women who have extremely low expectations of men. This means that their experiences with mean are inevitably going to be unfulfilling and without much reward.
Two Levels
However, as some women will know - just because they have high expectations, it doesn't necessarily mean that the men they attract will match up. And this is the result of what is going on at a deeper level and how these two aspects can be in conflict with each other.
So there is what is consciously expected and this is often going to be the ideal and what a women truly wants to experience when it comes to men.
And at a deeper level there is another set of expectations and these can not only be in conflict with what is actually wanted, but they also have the biggest influence.
The Ego Mind
These expectations are often unknown at a conscious level, but they will be classed as familiar and therefore safe to the ego mind. And this means that they will be what one feels comfortable with and that is regardless of whether they are functional or healthy expectations,
And the way they will typically find out is through the kind of men they attract into their lives and the kind of men they are attracted to. The general experiences that they have with men will reveal what they expect.
Random Occurrences
It would be natural to think that all men are the same or that one has no control over the kind of men that one comes into contact with, but these expectations have incredible power.
If one expects something, it will mean that they will pull it into their lives. Because this is not simply a passive process where one is observing what is showing up. What is showing up is actually the result of what is being asked for; the challenge is that this form of communication is often going on out of one's conscious awareness.
Relationships
And the kind of relationships that a woman has with men is going to be where they receive feedback about what they expect. This can relate to: family, colleagues, managers, friends and lovers for example.
Each of these areas of relationships can have a big impact on a women's life. And although they are all important and play a part in a women's life; the most important area will often relate to the kind of lovers they attract.
Higher Expectations
As this is often a foundation of any women's life and the area where they will be the most emotionally connected to a man and have the highest expectations; the rest will generally not be as important. They will still have an impact of course, but while a woman may consciously expect to be with a man that is respectful and loving for instance, they are likely to expect a lot less when it comes to a colleague, manager or a family member.
And as a result of expecting less, when these other relationships are not as fulfilling, it is not going to be as influential. For if a woman has a relationship with a man that is fulfilling the relationships with men that are not fulfilling are more likely to be dismissed and not taken personally.
But if a woman has not got a solid relationship with a lover or even with her father, brother or male friends, then there is not going to be as much to fall back on when they experience men in general as being unpleasant.
Expectations
Now, for some women their expectations of men will be fairly high and this could then lead to a woman having experiences with men that are fulfilling and rewarding. There will be other women who have fairly average expectations and their relationships may then be somewhat fulfilling and fairly rewarding.
And then there will be women who have extremely low expectations of men. This means that their experiences with mean are inevitably going to be unfulfilling and without much reward.
Two Levels
However, as some women will know - just because they have high expectations, it doesn't necessarily mean that the men they attract will match up. And this is the result of what is going on at a deeper level and how these two aspects can be in conflict with each other.
So there is what is consciously expected and this is often going to be the ideal and what a women truly wants to experience when it comes to men.
And at a deeper level there is another set of expectations and these can not only be in conflict with what is actually wanted, but they also have the biggest influence.
The Ego Mind
These expectations are often unknown at a conscious level, but they will be classed as familiar and therefore safe to the ego mind. And this means that they will be what one feels comfortable with and that is regardless of whether they are functional or healthy expectations,
What Are Good Conversation Starters for Speed Dating?
Have you struggled with trying to get the best conversation
starters up and running when dating? This might be particularly tough if
you are trying to get into the speed dating circle. That's why it is
such a good idea to use a few conversation starters to give yourself a
better chance with keeping your conversation working out right.
One good idea for starting up a conversation is to talk about personal histories. It's always a good idea to ask someone about where one is from because it allows a person to open up about one's past and what one does for a living. It could also bring about a bit of someone's background to make someone more interesting and unique in some way.
It's also a good idea to talk about what one does for a living. You might have a better chance with talking to someone if you are open about what you want to hear. This includes being open about one's personal life and history. You could particularly have a better chance with dating someone if you simply talk about the present and try to link yours up with your partner's. Anything that makes you a little more compatible is always a plus.
It's alright to talk about past relationships when talking with someone about the dating scene. The fact is that a person who is on a date is open going to be likely to want to talk about what you might be different from someone else or why you are so special when compared to other people. It's an interesting point about dating that is worth spotting or trying out because it makes you understand your partner a little more.
Try to talk about interests with your partner during a speed date. Part of speed dating often involves working harder to get you and your partner to link up together in some way by talking about things you like to do or have interests in. This could give you a better time with showing yourself for who you are without being all that difficult to be around.
The final thing to do is to simply talk about what's going on around the area that your speed date is in. Sometimes this might open up a conversation about your life and what you like to do or even things that you are getting into lately. It is often done to improve your chances with getting your life in order. Getting into your local environment and trying to incorporate it into your date is often an interesting thing to do but it may work if you are good enough with setting up a strong sense of communication for whatever it is you want to do in your date.
The best conversation starters are more than just key points of communication for speed dating. They are also things that help you to get in touch with someone that you're interested in being with during a speed dating event. It will be smart to find the right starters to simply make your conversation with someone a little more effective in the long run.
One good idea for starting up a conversation is to talk about personal histories. It's always a good idea to ask someone about where one is from because it allows a person to open up about one's past and what one does for a living. It could also bring about a bit of someone's background to make someone more interesting and unique in some way.
It's also a good idea to talk about what one does for a living. You might have a better chance with talking to someone if you are open about what you want to hear. This includes being open about one's personal life and history. You could particularly have a better chance with dating someone if you simply talk about the present and try to link yours up with your partner's. Anything that makes you a little more compatible is always a plus.
It's alright to talk about past relationships when talking with someone about the dating scene. The fact is that a person who is on a date is open going to be likely to want to talk about what you might be different from someone else or why you are so special when compared to other people. It's an interesting point about dating that is worth spotting or trying out because it makes you understand your partner a little more.
Try to talk about interests with your partner during a speed date. Part of speed dating often involves working harder to get you and your partner to link up together in some way by talking about things you like to do or have interests in. This could give you a better time with showing yourself for who you are without being all that difficult to be around.
The final thing to do is to simply talk about what's going on around the area that your speed date is in. Sometimes this might open up a conversation about your life and what you like to do or even things that you are getting into lately. It is often done to improve your chances with getting your life in order. Getting into your local environment and trying to incorporate it into your date is often an interesting thing to do but it may work if you are good enough with setting up a strong sense of communication for whatever it is you want to do in your date.
The best conversation starters are more than just key points of communication for speed dating. They are also things that help you to get in touch with someone that you're interested in being with during a speed dating event. It will be smart to find the right starters to simply make your conversation with someone a little more effective in the long run.
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