When Should I Say Sorry?

I thoughtlessly knocked into someone in the supermarket the other day and she apologised to me even though it wasn't her fault! Actually, I have noticed that British people do tend to say sorry over the least thing. It seems to be an unthinking response in the presence of strangers. Perhaps we do it as a way of trying to be polite to cover up any embarrassment.

Yet, is it not the case that we can hesitate before saying 'I'm sorry', in more important matters, for fear of getting all the blame, or of being punished?

Need for apology

I have found that when you really have let someone down like forgetting to do a job or keep a social arrangement, the other person does need an apology and also receive some indication of why. Without these two things, it really is more difficult for them to let go and move on without harbouring resentment. One example is the resentment of a house seller after the purchaser pulls out of the deal at the last moment without giving any meaningful reason - this despite the vendor having invested much time, money, and emotion in the preparations for house change.

No one is perfect and in our personal lives inevitably we make a few thoughtless mistakes from time to time and sometimes are even careless of other people's needs. Pouring oil on to troubled waters is so important. How often do you hear about so-and-so not talking to someone because of something he or she had done or failed to do. And of course the longer this failure of communication goes on the more difficult it is to heal the rift. Sadly a family feud can last for years.

Fear of punishment

Sometimes all it needed was an apology. But has there ever been a time when you failed to say 'sorry'? Perhaps it was because you had no excuse to offer and was uneasy about the other guy getting cross with you.
Most truths are so naked that people feel sorry for them and cover them up, at least a little bit.
(Edward R. Murrow)

Fogging

There are of course a few people you might happen to offend who love to play the blame game. Once you recognise this person as someone who takes delight in putting others down then you might be a bit cautious in how you apologise even when you are at least partly in the wrong. This overcritical person can need careful handling.

There is a technique taught by assertion skills coaches called 'fogging'. The idea is to disarm the verbal bully by not defensively justifying one's mistakes - not getting into a fight that the bully knows all too well how to win.

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